Introspection

ok so.
I haven't really updated this in a while.

I don't know why, I can't give you guys a good reason. I haven't been in the writing mood for a while I guess.

So Roxanne has been living with me for the time being, while my parents and broman are out of town. Otherwise, I have a feeling she wouldn't be here, just because my parents don't have the best opinion of her. I don't really know how that happened, but it did. She left last night though, so now I have the house all to myself. Not that it really matters because I am currently working two jobs which will be keeping me out of the house for a good 12 hours today. lovely.

Her love life is a whirlwind that I can't keep up with. Honestly, I'm glad I found Kyle when I did, just because it makes life a little less complicated. And oh yeah, I love him. That little thing.

School starts in about two weeks, I am unbelievably excited about that. I just really want to be there now, I love the city, I love the people, and I finally have a real reason to be in school which is what I'm most excited about.

Ok, well that's the surface of my life pretty much. But I've been thinking lately, a lot about my past and and how much I've changed since then. So, just what follows might be a slightly self absorbed rant but it's really something I need to get out of my head and into words. I was talking to Roxanne about it last night, but I'm so much better at getting my thoughts out in writing than I am at spoken word, so I figured I'd get a little bit of it out here.

First off, I think I'm going to quit weight watchers. I love the program and I love how it has changed the way I think about food, and my attitudes about it. The only thing is that I tend to get obsessive and neurotic about things. And I've begun to do that about my weight. It used to be like this. I would look in the mirror and see this disgusting, unlovable thing staring back at me in the mirror. I didn't know who I was and honestly, I hated that, and therefore, I hated myself. I think I suppressed that for a while but now its back and its back in full force. Well, not completely. I can believe that I am a smart, well rounded person with friends. I used to not be able to do that.

I know this sounds whiny and angst-filled, and it is. Kind of. But this is just the way I perceive myself. As I said, I was able to control it. I actually saw myself as pretty, and what not. But now, I don't know. I've fallen back into this self-loathing mold, and what scares me the most is I know exactly where it can take me. It's taken me there once before and I cannot go back there again. I cut off all ties. I didn't really let anyone get close enough to know me, because honestly, I didn't think I was worthy enough for anyone to get there. But I let myself let Kyle in, and that was the best decision I ever made.

I think though, that constantly watching what I eat has consumed me. It has switched my brain back on, in a way, and I really don't want that to happen. I want to be able to be happy again. So I might at least take a slight break. Clear my head. I'll still eat healthily, but before I can control what I eat but not let it take over my life, I think I need to step back and re-evaluate.

Sorry this was so depressing but I needed to get this out.
<3